Editors Note: Jay is qualified to write about fitness & gym goer tips because he has been to a gym more than once – despite any claims made by any ex-girlfriends. 

Whether the decision to join a gym was a result of your own personal desire to lose weight amassed from your glutinous indulgences, or your significant other is threatening to leave you again, congratulations are in order! Congratulations on making the decision to add yet another excessive expense to your more than likely already stretched-thin budget! The road to a healthier you won’t be easy- in all honesty it’s gonna suck- but there’s nothing more satisfying than realizing after months of sweat, tears, and gym/supplement fees, that your body will probably look relatively similar to how it looked before you started working out! …Nonetheless, I have compiled a list of tips to make your transformation from a sedentary lifestyle, to an active life style, that much easier.

Dillion, you son of a bitch

  • Sitting (or standing) in on a personal training session with another gym goer is a great way to learn new workouts and techniques. If a personal trainer asks you to stop hovering, simply insist you’re stretching and it’s a free country, unlike Russia.
  • Hydration is a big part of the gym goer lifestyle, and thus entering the gym without a gallon jug of water will not be tolerated by gym security.
  • To assert your dominance early on in your gym goer career, ensure that you give unsolicited advice to any and all gym goers – especially personal training staff! They will not only thank you, but may ask if they can pay you to periodically interrupt their workout with lifting advice and tips.
  • To maintain this dominance, breathing and grunting loudly during sets will ensure other gym goers will never forgot which of you is the strongest guy in the gym. To be quiet is to be forgotten.
  • A note about lifting attire: You may be asked to leave the gym if you are not wearing the latest Nike or Under Armour workout clothing. This will not only be embarrassing, as you are escorted off the premises, but the other gym goers will think you are a poor.
  • If the gym’s front desk attendant says any of the following: “Hello, goodbye, have a nice workout, please stop giving unsolicited advice to our gym goers” they more than likely have a crush on you and want to date you.
  • If you see someone whose lifting form is lacking, you should feel free to walk over to them and give them a hands-on demonstration of how to correct it. Some may react negatively to this, but just remember to disregard their pleas and cries that you leave them alone, because nothing should get in the way of you trying to save a life.
  • Supplementation is the key to results. Be sure to bring a duffle bag with your containers of supplements and occupy a bench to whey (haha) them out into your numerous shaker bottles. This not only shows you have a firm grasp on science, but gym goers will respect you for being dedicated to spending even more money on this lifestyle and proves you aren’t a poor.
  • If you see a fellow gym goer having a protein shake, quiz them on it’s nutritional makeup. Regardless of what they say, give them unsolicited recommendations of supplements – whether you personally take them or not.
  • Yelling “nice set” to other gym goers, despite a mutual lack of familiarity, is a good way to be supportive of others.
  • A final tip, if you are ever questioned as to a source of information, whether it be training tips or nutritional information, always, I repeat, ALWAYS cite either Bodybuilding.com (free plug, where’s my check?), Schwarzenegger, or “the guy” at GNC. This not only gives you gym cred, but also ensures they won’t challenge your knowledge again.