Shrapnel City – Further adding to the rogues gallery of recent White House appointees, on Friday, The President announced that he had appointed famed 90’s first person shooter protagonist, Duke Nukem, as his new Director of Homeland Security. Mr. Nukem spent the early to mid 90’s defending Earth from the aliens who blew up his ride, though a failed foray at saving the world in 2011, ensured this fame would not last forever.

Many political pundits have called into question whether Mr. Nukem is qualified for the position considering his lack of government experience & documented misogynistic rhetoric. When this question was raised at a White House press event The President stated,“If saving our babes from Alien scum doesn’t qualify him, I’m not sure what else would.”

To make his transition into government work even more rocky, Mr. Nukem’s first press conference did little to instill confidence in his critics. His press event began with him being escorted to the podium by two women who were undoubtedly from a local buffalo wing proprietor. He then proceeded to respond to press questions regarding his plans for combating ISIS with “Come get some!“  And when one reporter asked how Mr. Nukem felt about the skepticism surrounding his hiring, Duke simply replied, “I’ll rip your head off and shit down your neck.” 

We have reached out to Mr. Nukem for a comment.

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